Validation - Self Healing Part One

A few days ago, I felt the need to do a post because my relationship just ended.  It talked about the lessons I learned from the relationship and got you the readers caught up with everything going on in my life.  Now I will be doing a self healing segment because as with any breakup, there are a mixture of motions that I am feeling from hurt, betrayal, relief, stupid, strong and so on.  This is just a few of the feelings because to be honest, I am not sure of all the feelings I have.  I am processing as I write and these are just the ones that I have acknowledge.

One thing I know for sure is I swore I would not let a man make me feel this way after my last relationship ended in 2010.  I worked hard on myself and learned to love myself.  I developed self confidence, strength, and self value.  Then I met the one I just ended the relationship with.  At first things where great in the relationship and I liked the fact that he took me to movies, on dates, and was not afraid to be seen with me in public.  He was the first guy to have done that.  Not even my ex-husband did that.  I excepted him for who he was and knew of his mental issues.  I just didn't realize to what extreme they where until one minute he was sweet and lovable and the next minute, he was mean and cruel.

Now I never spoke about the bad things going on in my relationships but feel the need to do so here because like I said before, I need to process everything and it is so this blog entry makes sense.  I don't think he was taking his medicine like he should because it was his manic moods when he was mean and when he talked negative to me and tore me down.  There was a lot of hurtful things said and instead of leaving I stayed with him because I loved him.  But then things started becoming clear.  I was no longer the woman I became over the years.  I was full of self doubt, I was not focusing on me and somewhere down the line I lost the love I had for myself.  Why else would I allow someone to talk nasty to me?  Then it dawned on me.

Validation

A lot of woman who are transgender feel the need to be validated.  I know I did and after thinking back to this relationship, I guess I still do.  For some, having the surgery and getting their breast did is validation.  For others, having a man, may be validation.  Especially if the man treats them like the woman they are in public.  For me, I guess it was having a man to make me feel special and treat me like a woman in public.  We don't really think about how the guy may treat us behind closed doors.  So as a result, there may be abuse on all levels.  I can't speak for anyone else but I did my best to overlook the problems until it got to the point I was depressed all the time.  It got so bad at one point that I contemplated suicide to get out of the relationship.  I hadn't thought about that since before my transition.  I still ask my higher power for forgiveness for me even thinking about it.

I want to live.  I know there is a purpose for me and I am grateful for the relationship being over and me getting the opportunity to get back to where I use to be.  Start working on me again, gain the confidence I once had and to remember that I am a strong woman.  I have had a lot of obstacles to clear to get to where I am today.  I want to help my brothers and sisters of transgender experience and make a difference in the world.  I want to one day write a book about my life to inspire others if anything.  Yes, I have a lot of dreams just like anyone else.  Above all, I need to learn that I don't need anyone or anything to validate me but myself.  After all I am a Deva.

To all my readers young and old, transgender experienced or not.  Let's get to the point where we can validate ourselves.  This is my challenge to you.  Let's get to the point where we realize. I am (your name) and having a relationship/surgery/big breast is a want and not a need because I AM WHO I AM and no one can tell me different.  I  am not pretending and I don't need anyone on this earths approval.  I just need their respect.  Be who you are and not what society says we are.

Until next time...Stay Safe and Be Blessed

Lessons in Life

It has been awhile since I last posted on here.  So much has happened and I need this post more then ever so I am going to start what I call a new season for a new year.  I can't make any promises that I will be regular with these posts this year but I will do my best.

Within the last year, I have had blessings and trials.  Some of my blessings came in the form of a job, and a relationship.  I have learned a few things from my friends who I got closer to over the year and my co-workers.  Believe it or not, I learned somethings from the Peers that I work with.

Brick Walls

One of the most valuable lessons I have learned was that when you hit a brick wall, it is best to face it and tear it down, brick by brick.  When you run from it, try to avoid it, or ignore it, the wall just comes right back at you at a different time.

Reflection

For me this happened in my relationship.  Before the relationship, I seen my dreams coming true.  I got into a relationship that was great and I loved the dating aspect of it.  However as time went on, things started to change.  My boyfriend would break up with me, just for me to take him back the next day.

Within the last week, however I had to do a huge evaluation on the relationship because I started going through a depression.  I started asking my self, am I happy in this relationship?  Am I still the same person I was when I went into the relationship?  Do I see my dreams still and am I moving towards those dreams?  The hardest question for me to ask was is this a healthy relationship or am I continuing in it because I am codependent?

Tonight, my boyfriend ended it.  Grabbed his things and left.  I realized at that moment that I was no longer heart broken because now after the reflection, I can focus on what I need to for me to grow and move forward in life.

He came back later and said a lot of good things I guess in hopes of getting back with me but I told him that I had to focus on me now and I can't keep going back with him every time he breaks up with me.  One thing I know is that is not healthy.  So after a couple of hours of him coming up with a plan to take care of him and calling his family, he realized that I was staying strong and standing my ground.

Don't say things you can't take back

This was another hard lesson for me because I am sure him and I both said some hurtful things that can not be taken back.  Not to mention all the times I was accused of cheating when that is not something I do.  It ruins to many relationships though, accusing someone all the time and not trusting them does too.

So now is the time for me to start working on a game plan for myself.  One thing is for sure, I need to stay strong this time and don't give in after a week.  It is important for me to be balanced both mentally, physically, and spiritually.  It is also important that I start doing things toward my 5 year goal or dreams and address my codependency issues.

I am a good person and a strong woman.  I am not going to let this relationship or lack of tear me down.  And to all my readers, if you are in a relationship that doesn't work out, I am learning not to beat yourself up about it.  Sometimes you need to take the life lessons learned and use that to move forward.  Before you can love anyone and do for anyone, you need to love and do for yourself.

Until next time....Be Safe and Be Blessed