The Day And The Life Of A Transgender Woman

Today I have had a lot on my mind.  Actually a lot of them were questions.  As I walked down the street at Hollywood, hung out with someone new at the park, drank a soda and coffee at McDonalds, I thought about things.  During the week I did a special post about a reflection I did last time I was in Hollywood.  I never dreamed it was more than a reflection.  Before I truly begin this blog entry I need to first say a few things about me.  I would apologize for offending anyone but I can't bring myself to do that because what I am about to share will give you even more an insight on who I am as a person, and as a woman.

I have not been a Christian in many years.  Before anyone condemns me to hell let me say this.  When I started my transition I had to figure out what I believed.  I did a lot of soul searching as well as research, just as I did when I was preparing for my transition.  Christianity just didn't feel right for me, though I respect it's believes and everyone who claims the faith.  I do believe in something though and that is we are all a part of nature.  While some believe God is above looking down on his Children, my Gods and Goddesses are here on earth as well as the sky above and in us.

So when my higher power guides me somewhere I go and my trips to Hollywood is one of those things.  I love watching people and being around people at times.  Sometimes it helps me stay grounded to be among those in my community that struggles on a daily bases.  That wonder each day where they are going to shower, eat, get money for their vises, and even wash clothes.  I realized today that I say I am a transgender advocate, but what does that mean?

I have seen many in the community that are advocates and they have good jobs at places that are resources to the lgbt communities.  More so the gbt communities and not even all of the t communities.  Once they get these jobs, do they continue being a peer to each other in the community or does it become a numbers game of "how many people can we help this quarter"?  This is where my questions come in.

We spend so much time talking about HIV and getting tested which is very important and everyone should do it, but what about housing?  We talk about the woman of transgender experience being in relationships a bad thing when they are on the streets but there is not much else turn to.  What makes it even worse is the fact that the poor guys who like us face just as much stigma from society that not only do the women have low self esteem and broken spirits, so do the guys that are in relationships with us.  No wonder many turns to drugs and hustling, running the streets, prostitution, and wanting to be discreet so they can see their children and the mother of those children don't call them gay.  I say this because I used drugs for that same reason, and I have dated men that face the same things I mentioned.

Now it seems like I get passed over when a guy likes me for someone that is as broken spirit as them and I have to wonder if it is because they feel they don't deserve the love that I can offer now that I couldn't atone time.  I was lucky when it came to coming up from homelessness.  I was determined because my higher power told me that until I did better I was going to have to not lose focus.  I stopped using because I wanted the body that many of the woman of transgender experience had but without the surgery.

So back to my question of what is a transgender advocate.  In my mind and from what I am being shown, it is more than holding up a sign and protesting for Transgender Equality for all.  It is more then educating society.  It is about educating each other as well and lifting those who have low self esteem and broken spirits up.  Creating better resources instead of just feeding and testing them.  It is about coming up with ways to assist them with shelter, showering, and showing them that no matter who you love, and attracted to does not make you any less of a person and that they still deserve to have a family and a place to call there own.  It is about so much more and we need to remember that and work on that.  And last but not least, it is about being a peer showing that we are no different among each other and help each other where we can, even if it means hanging out at a park with someone and just talking.

I see my purpose even more clearer now and pray that after reading this blog entry, everyone else sees their purpose more clearly to.  We have to fix our community before we can fix the rest of society.  And that is my dear readers is your challenge for the week.  Especially those of you that are of transgender experience.

Until next time...Stay Safe and Be Blessed

Going Through Changes

I went all day thinking about how I was going to work on my emotions from last week when I realized that it was not the right topic for this weeks blog entry.  After a week of emotions, today I set at home and things started happening for me.  I looked at what I was going through last week and I realized I had to go through what I went through so that I may grow and have some realizations and that to me is what needs to be focused on.  Especially since I am of transgender experience.

When we hit puberty we must learn to figure out who we are and go through different things to make us see the change.  When you are of transgender experience and you start your hormones, you go through puberty again.  I always thought I was learning who I was since I started my transition back in 2002 but the fact that I am now seeing is it wasn't until recently that I done so.  Call it my second puberty if you will but I have learned somethings over the last week that I needed to learn about myself.

After reflecting on my relationship with my ex, and my friends as well as new friends. I realized that I have subconsciously been letting others define me.  Today I shed those shackles so to speak and I feel even more empowered then before.  I know that my being a lady in public and not showing off or causing a seen is very important to me.  I also know that others watch me and like when society watches others in the transgender community they form an opinion.  Without knowing it, my mom raised a lady even though it took me 40 years for it to show.

Over the period of last week though I learned some of my likes and dislikes, I even became even more comfortable with my body as well as confident, where in the past, I had issues with certain parts of my body.  I learned that I can wear clothes that I never thought I would wear.  I finally look in the mirror and see that woman I am without seeking the approval of others, especially those in my family and circle of friends.  I learned that I should not be ashamed in me liking to look good, me having friends, or even the type of friends that I hang around.

People say that we are influenced by our friends.  Couldn't it sometimes be the other way around as well.  I do know that I have the power and if I give it to others, they can influence me but if I keep being who I am and showing my good nature, and heart and showing I don't have to always be into something to have fun.  Just hanging out with friends at a park getting a sun tan and talking can be just as fun as when I use to drink or do drugs.  I know that I don't need those things in my life to have fun because I may have thought I was cool and such but when I see someone under the influence I see myself when I use to and it was not as flattering as I thought I was.

Call me conceited if you must, but I like looking good and developing what I have.  Only society says that you are shallow but is it wrong if looking nice gives you the confidence to gout each and every day to face the world?  The Goddess Aphrodite has alway been portrayed as beautiful in mythology and she is the Goddess of Love.  Of course beauty is not only from the outside but needs to shine from the inside as well.

I have seen women, especially of transgender experiences have all kinds of surgery to be beautiful and to fit into what society says you have to do to be a woman.  As soon as they speak, the beauty is replaced by ignorance.  To be beautiful and to be a woman to me is someone that does not love and sent out love no matter where she is.  To show respect even when those around her does not because she knows who she is and even if people try to judge her and disrespect her, they are actually judging themselves and disrespecting themselves.

I heard this woman of transgender experience yesterday when I was getting a coffee from McDonalds in Hollywood tell her friends after she seen me acknowledged her, "look at him, he is a trick"  They all laughed but it didn't faze me just made me said for her because it didn't effect me.  I know who I am and that is a beautiful woman who doesn't have to sell drugs or prostitute anymore to make money.  I was sadden because she knew this and because she was there selling what ever it was she was selling, I am not judging because I have been there as I have mentioned in past blogs, and seeing me made her feel a certain type away.  I know she said what she said to make herself look good and feel better about herself but I wonder if her friends was not secretly admiring me for not letting it effect me.  She could have also said that to try to get me to make a scene and show my ass.

I truly believe that women should be "classy in the streets" as I heard it once told to me.  This can mean different things to different people.  To me it means that I carry myself as I always have and not be anything I am not.  It is nobody's business what goes on in my private life and I should in fact keep my private life where it belongs...in private.

Another thing I have learned is to see my self worth.  How can I reflect how worthy I am of love, respect, and friendship and send it out in the universe if I do not know it myself.  Well last week I realized but didn't know it until I reflected upon it today that I am worthy of these things.  I am also empowered because of this knowledge.  I can live as I have and how society expects me to be, to act but until I shed those shackles and truly not care what others think, you are free to truly be positive and free and attract all the things you deserve in time.

So my dear readers, it is time for me to come to an end but I want to challenge each and every one of you to shed those shackles, learn through your emotions, and be free as the universe intended you to be.  Take from the things that make you emotional and watch how much more positive your way of thinking becomes and how much more empowered you will become.  Learn who you are because as I say all the time.  I Am Jennifer Rose!!!

Until next time....Stay Safe and Be Blessed.

Going to the Beach

I know this is a weird title for a blog entry but I did a lot of thinking while I was there the last two days, not to mention that I accomplished something.  I will discuss that later though.  Since the breakup I have gotten through the heart break however, ever so often I start thinking about my ex and I end up being sad for a few days and then after telling myself I did the right thing by ending the relationship, I start feeling better.
I noticed though that I was starting to get back into my old habits of staying at home when I wasn't going to work.  I still went to my doctors appointments and to get my nails done but that was about it.  I even started feeling that I was lonely and had to also remind myself that I am suppose to be working on myself.
Since this weekend was a three day weekend I decided to do something different then I normally do and that was to go out and hang out away from my apartment and away from downtown.  There is a lot I want to do such as get a new wardrobe and give myself a makeover.  I see how I want to dress and now that I have the image in my head I need to making it happen.
Yesterday and today however, I set out to accomplish a different goal.  I am not one to like hanging out by myself.  I had a friend of mine today ask me how I could go to the beach by myself.  The answer is simple.  I said that I want to learn to have a relationship with myself and yesterday was the start for me.
Yesterday, I went to Venice Beach.  I had a lot of fun watching the waves, the surfers, the people playing in the water and at the drum circle that I attended after I got tired of sitting at he beach.  I connected with nature and my higher power by meditating and calling the elements to thank them for being present.  At the drum circle, I listened to the guys beat on the drums and dance and the next thing I know, I was sitting on the beach and dancing myself.  My mood was even better than when I first got to the beach and when I left, I was satisfied.  I didn't even think about the fact that I was on the beach alone.
Today I went to the Santa Monica Pier.   I walked around, took pictures, ate on the board walk and then I decided to just walk.  I ended up back at Venice Beach but that was alright.  I enjoyed myself today as well even though I didn't actually go on the beach.  I didn't mind that I went by myself however, I do admit, for a brief second, I felt sad because I didn't have anyone to laugh or talk to while I was there.  It didn't last long because I had a realization.  Just because I wasn't talking to anyone or laughing with friends or anything like that, I was there among crowds of people and I was being seen.
I am not saying that because I feel all the world is suppose to give me attention.  Being of transgender experience, I felt it important for my presence to be among them.  I had many people look at me, some in a positive way and some in a negative way but that didn't bother me.  I was there showing them that I am just as much of a lady as any other woman there and I don't need anyone to validate me except the love for myself.
It is so easy for those of transgender of experience to feel the need to be accepted as much as validated.  I use to be that way and that was one of the reasons I turned to drugs and prostitution.  Now that I am older, I don't need to do those things to have people like me.  I was told all my life to lead by example, and that is what I did today.  The sad thing about being accepted is we need to first accept ourselves and who we are.  If not, then how can anyone else accept you.
When you grow up a child starts learning who they are.  When someone that is of transgender experience they have to do that all over again because they didn't really get that chance to when they were younger because they were to busy trying to keep their secrets.  It seems the older I get, the more important it is for me to know myself, love myself, and accept myself.  I thought I did that before but my foundation wasn't that strong and one relationship later, I am having to relearn who I am and so forth.
To you my dear readers, especially those of transgender experience, my challenge for you is to go out by yourself to a beach or even a park.  Clear your mind of the negative thoughts and see where your mind leads you.  Until next time....Be Safe and Be Blessed

It Does Get Better

As I sit here unwinding from work I have been thinking about things that I have went through in my life as well as even now that I am no longer with my ex.  I even read some of my past blog entries and I have to say I have been through a lot of tough situations in my life and have always came out alright.  Am I upset that things got hard at time and I felt like there was no way out?  Earlier on in life I would probably have said yes but now I am glad that I went through them because I learned lessons, how to appreciate things and much more.

Every so often I like to search the web for quotes that I can relate to when I do a blog entry.  Today I found the perfect one because sometimes we need to read quotes to remind us that things are going to be alright.  One such quote is from Demi Lovato, an American actress, singer, and songwriter who made her debut as a child actress in Barney.  

"No matter what you're going through, there's a light at the end of the tunnel and it may seem hard to get to it but you can do it and just keep working towards it and you'll find the positive side of things."

Demi Lovato

 (http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_positive.html#x587MQobJfBrUwpJ.99)

I am noticing that I am still having rough times with my ex and I not being together.  At one point and time, I was hurting so bad that I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  However, now I see it but it seems to be taking forever to get to.  As I read this quote, I truly can relate to what it says.

As I work on myself and the relationship with myself, this quote gives me hope because working on myself is really hard at times.  Sometimes, I become close to losing focus and wonder if I can do it at all.

However, I bring myself back to being focused and remind myself that I am doing the right thing by staying focused and working on myself.  Last week, I even started thinking about trust.  I thought about it so much that when I went to my therapist appointment after last weeks blog entry, I discussed it with her.  She brought up an interesting observation.  She said that it didn't sound like I have a problem with trust, but I have issues recognizing when the trust has been violated.

Again this quote gives me hope because it reminds me that this, like all the other times I could not seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I can get to it once more.  I am moving towards that "light at the end of the tunnel".  I have faith that I will reach it if I just keep doing what I am doing and that is focusing on myself on all levels.

This is a good reminder for everyone I feel.  We all have those moments.  I especially did before my transition, when I was getting off drugs, when I was homeless, when I didn't have an income, and even with my relationship ending.  I have seen articles of transgender women who could not see the light at the end of the tunnel and they took their life.  I only wish they read this quote and reached out to those of us that are transgender.

So my challenge for the week my dear readers is to think about this quote and what it means to you. Are you at your darkest hour where it seems as if no matter how hard you try you can not get to the light that you see?  I believe that you can reach out if you need to.  I know I have.  I have a couple of friends that are probably tired of hearing my struggle.  We do get through the darkest hour, we do get to the light at the end of the tunnel, and it does get better.

Until next time.  Stay Safe and Be Blessed

Trust

When you love someone, you trust them.  This is especially true with any relationship, be it friendship, love, family, and business.  Once that is broken, then it is hard to gain that trust again.  In this last relationship, I trusted my ex.  Unfortunately, I trusted him more then he trusted me.  He kept comparing me to those in his past relationships and as a result he pushed me away.

I trusted him until we broke up.  I think that was when the trust ended because he had a temper tantrum and threatened for me to lose everything I worked hard to achieve.  Even though I didn't trust him, I tried to be his friend but when that didn't work out because he didn't want a friendship, he had that same temper tantrum.  Now, once more he is wanting to talk to me and I have to admit, after two times of trying to have him in my life and it failing, the trust is beyond repair.

I always ask, what is a relationship without trust?  In my eyes, it is an unhealthy relationship.  So, since I have been working on a relationship with myself, I have to look inwards and think about things like do I trust myself?  I know that I trust my higher power, I trust nature, I trust my co-workers, I trust my friends and family, and I trust my doctors.  I guess the answer to my question is, I do trust myself more then I did a few years ago to an extent.

I am realizing though that it is becoming hard to let new people into my life because now I have trust issues.  I think I have had them for sometime because I always felt, I was let down when I trusted someone in the past.  When I was growing up I trusted that if I told someone the truth about me being transgendered, I would be ridiculed or worse.  I was even afraid I would lose the love of my family.  When I trusted boyfriends, they always left me for someone else, stole from me, abused me, and even used me.  I even had someone I considered my best friend in New York City, who I entered a domestic partnership with, almost make me lose an apartment that we worked on getting so we would not be homeless any longer.

When I started the relationship with my ex, he told me things about him and gave me the option to be with him or not.  When I enter into a relationship I trust with all my heart and sometimes I share to much about me with them.  My ex had a way of using that against me when he got mad at me.

So I guess I have viewed and still sometimes view trust as a negative thing.  I know without a doubt that I need to work on my trust issues as well as my other issues because trust should be a positive thing not something that is associated with negative actions.  Without trust, there are no relationships.  At least that is what a part of me is telling myself. 

I am sure, I am not the only one that has a problem with trust.  Perhaps that is why many people keep others at a distance.  Is this healthy?  Probably not because if you keep people at a distance, you have a lonely existence.  At least that has been what I have experienced when I kept people at a distance.  I am learning now to set boundaries and give people a chance to earn my trust and if for some reason trust does not come, I back away and out of their life.

With these blog entries I speak from my heart and while typing the blog entries, I try to process things as well as figure things out.  I am realizing that with this subject, I am having more difficulty understanding trust.  And because of this, I for once can't think of a way to end this blog.  Perhaps I will do another blog entry or two on this in the next few weeks.  And for you my dear readers, I ask you to leave me a comment on your thoughts about trust.

Until next time....Be Safe and Be Blessed.

Healing After the Pain

The last three posts have been self healing posts and I have made a lot of progress I feel.  I have also came to the realization now that the waves of feelings have receded, that out of all the relationships that I have had, I have yet to have a relationship with myself or a strong one with my spiritual path.  The strange thing is, the older I get the more I realize how important my spiritual journey is to me and how it is important in my life.  I will discuss more about that later though.  Right now, I will talk more about me developing a relationship with myself and within myself.

I feel having a relationship with your self is the most important thing for anyone's life.  How can I truly know and love myself if I don't have a strong relationship with myself?  That may be why it was so easy to give others power over me and losing focus on what is important in my life.  So, in the last few weeks, I have been doing that.  I got my nails and eyebrows done and have been self nurturing myself.  As a result, not only am I looking better, I am feeling better about myself as well. 

I have also realized just how true my statement of me being a girly girl is.  I love looking nice.  Not for anyone else but for myself and I am not cheap.  I am not saying I am going to go out and spend thousands of dollars on a purse, shoes or a dress, but I will go out and spend fifty dollars on such things.  I like to look fashionable.  Again, not for anyone else but for myself.  I am not saying I am materialistic.  I am far from that.  What I am saying that if I look good then I feel good and have a positive outlook.  In return, I attract positive attitudes and energies around me.

I am looking forward to this relationship I am developing with myself.  I will learn to treat myself like I want to be treated and in return when I do start any kind a relationship, even friendship, they will be able to see that I should be treated with respect and encouragement and not treat me like I am a piece of gum on their shoe or a sex object.  One thing I am learning is I am very hard on myself and that is something that I should not be.  We all not perfect all the time and I can't expect myself to be.  I can't get mad at myself if I make a mistake.  Most of all, I am learning to respect and love myself.  That means I am going to take care of me and my body.  I have to have boundaries and if a person shows me attention, I don't have to do anything that will make me feel bad about myself.

Another thing I am learning is what is important in my life.  I see some of the things I use to see as important still that.  For instance, what I want to do for a career and that is working in the transgender community; being a transgender advocate and a resource for the transgender community.  There are other things I am finding important that I didn't realize before even though it reared it's head every now and then.  One such thing is having a relationship and closeness with my family and friends, however this is another reason why a relationship with myself is important.

As I mentioned before I am noticing the importance of my spiritual journey.  I don't speak much about my spiritual believes.  Not because some may condemn me but because I feel like parts of it, like my transitional journey is personal.  I know I do write a lot about my transitional journey but there are some things out of respect should not be asked even if one is curious to know the answer.

I guess this is what led me to have a talk with my ex.  I had a long talk saying that there are times we say things we can't take back.  For this reason I could not trust him enough to get back with him.I told him even though we couldn't back together we can work on being friends.  He needs to respect me and see me as the beautiful woman he did when he first met me and for the most part needs to focus on himself as I am doing the same.  He respected that and said that he would like being my friend as long as I was a part of his life even though he knows that if he disrespects me one time, I will have no choice but to distance myself from him.

So to you my dear readers, I am learning it does get better and there is healing after the pain.  We must first acknowledge the feelings we are going through when we are down, make a decision to change what is giving us problems and work on what we need to work on to feel better.  Most of the time, if we look closely we may realize that we don't have a healthy relationship with ourselves and one thing I have learned is we attract what we put out.  To me this means if we are in an unhealthy or don't have a relationship with ourselves, then we get into unhealthy relationships.  A dear friend told me recently that if you don't know how to treat yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to know how to treat you?  This is something to think about until the next blog entry.

Until next time....Stay Safe and Be Blessed

Forgiving Yourself - Self Healing Part Three

I have heard that the hardest person to forgive is not others that have done you wrong but yourself.  That is something I find to be very true.  As I set here working on this blog entry I think about what others mean when they say that.  I like most people have a tendency of blaming others and not looking at my part in the picture when I am upset with someone.  I am not saying that we are at fought for the actions of others.  In fact, no one has the right to hurt us, bully us, make fun of us, or abuse us.

For me, I am looking at me.  I am no longer looking at my ex's part in the relationship.  I am now looking at my part of the relationship that I just ended and how I played a part in it.  That does not mean I am a bad person.  But looking back I see I gave my power away, my confidence, to much of my love.  Until a few days ago, I fought with the feelings I had.  I knew what my gut was telling me but I was listing to my heart, mind and trying to find people to tell me everything was going to be ok.  After much meditating the last few days, and a cleansing bath, I realized something on the bus ride to my cousin.  I gave my ex the power to confuse me, to make me afraid, to make me angry.  All I needed to do for things to start being ok is to take back my power.  So a few days ago, I posted on facebook an affirmation or at least my take on what one is and yes, I took back my power.

I am not saying that there is not a higher power.  For that fact alone, we should all believe in what feels right to us.  For me, that means that my higher power gave me strength and power to think for myself, to learn lessons, and to control what others do to me mentally.  In Recovery International which is a self help support group, I have learned that we can't control our outer environment but only our inner environment.  We can only do that with our power or the power given to us.

Realizing that I gave my ex my so much of my power that he appeared stronger then me made me more mad at myself then him.  Yes, I am angry but now I got to wonder how much of that anger is at him and how much of that anger is at myself.  A few weeks before the breakup I got a therapist.  I went to her the other day and she said something that made a lot of sense now that I think about it.  "Forgive yourself and turn the rest of that anger into a positive action and use it to move forward."  So here I am thinking about that statement and putting down my thoughts.

Since I took back my power, I do feel stronger, have more confidence, and more courage.  I am sure if I keep working on myself, the self love will come back.  I just need to learn to forgive myself and that is my problem right now.  I wanted love so bad that logic went out the window.  They say, you can't love anyone else until you love yourself.  I believe that but just like with any relationship when it comes to a relationship with yourself, you need to trust and believe in yourself.  This is something I am working on.  It is easy to listen to advise from others but what about listening to your inner voice, your gut, your inner being?  It will not stir you wrong.

I have been doing a lot of listing lately.  It told me way before this last time we broke up that it was time to get out of the relationship but I didn't listen.  Now it tells me that no matter what, going back is not an option.  The more I listen the easier it is becoming for me to forgive myself and take what I did to myself as a lesson learned.  I am learning to trust myself and as a result, my positive traits are coming back.  I know I have just restarted this journey of self healing but it is getting easier to travel.  Next time I reach a fork in the road, I will listen to my inner self and see what she tells me. 

I think we all could take from this lesson and if you do get something out of this my dear readers, then I am glad.  If we all take back our power, then we might not get as upset with people or what have you.  Listen to your inner voice what ever you may call it.  It could be your inner voice, the voice of God, your inner adult.  What ever you call this voice inside you listen to it.  Your inner voice is not going to tell you to hurt yourself, or others but protect you and nurture you.  Learn to trust yourself and your spiritual path.  Most of all though learn to Forgive yourself when you don't feel you are living up to your full potential.  Just keep working on it and don't give up or give others your power. 

Until next time...Stay Safe and Be Blessed.

Feelings - Self Healing Part Two

 I know that the last part of the self healing was about validation.  However, as I continue with working on myself I have to acknowledge the feelings that I am having right now.  I have recognized that part of the reason I was in the relationship even after it became unhealthy for me because I felt it validated me as a woman.  Of course I loved him and still do but deep down inside I know we both need to work on ourselves.  I have so many feelings going on right now that I have to set and recognize them because at this moment, I feel the pain will not end.

I have been going through many different emotions since the breakup.  Some of these feelings consist of anger, betrayal, hurt, guilt, confusion and even fear.  I am sure there are other feelings that I am having but these are what I have identified so far and so I will look at these first.  Perhaps at a later time, I will do another blog entry where I look at more feelings that arises.

Hurt and Confusion

I am going to start with hurt because I keep coming back to it as well as confusion.  I keep asking myself why.  Why couldn't he love me for who I was instead of pointing out my faults?  Why did he have to say such hurtful things, especially when it caused me to realize I need to work on myself?  Why does he feel the need to talk to me even though at this moment I don't want to talk to him?  Why does he apologize in some of his texts for hurting me and then send another text saying we can't keep hurting each other and he is going to continue working on himself? 

I know he is hurting as much as I am.  I told him however, after the breakup this time, that I can't get back with him because I needed to focus on myself.  To me, when you are in a relationship and love someone you support each other in obtaining the dreams you have for yourself.  You love them for who they are and not listen to what others have to say or feel the need to point out each others flaws "so they can fix those."  Also you don't limit each other.  One thing I have to keep telling myself is as much as I love him, I can't go back with him. What if it starts back where it left off and you both go back to your old ways.

I am also hurting because I really did think he was the one.  I guess you can say I am a little disappointed.  I feel like a failure when it comes to love and happiness. It seems like when I love, I love to much and I forget about the love for myself.  I lose myself to the person I am with and I am not sure how to keep that from happening.

Anger and Betrayed

This brings up anger.  I am angry with myself for allowing myself to give him so much of me that I somewhere down the line forgot who I was.  I lost the confidence I needed because I had him to take care of me, to protect me, to love me.  I lost sight of my dreams, my purpose, and focused all of my energy on his dreams, his purpose even though I am not sure if he knows what that is yet.  It took me almost forty years to get a glimpse of what my purpose is. 

I am angry with him because of the way he made feel.  One minute like I was a queen and the next minute like I didn't even deserve a relationship.  I am angry that he didn't have trust in me and always assumed things.  I am also angry with the fact that he felt the need to hurt me as much as he is hurting.  Not to mention he is not understanding that I am choosing not to go back with him because we have to much baggage to be with each other and I need to clear my baggage away.

I feel betrayed because he was suppose to love me.  He was suppose to the one person I could count on not to hurt me.  It was suppose to be us against the world.  We where suppose to be there for each other.  Instead, with just a few words here and there and a few name callings and remarks, I felt like he was no different then the rest of the world, just more dangerous because he had my heart and trust.  I just wish I had his trust and all of his heart but of course, we all have insecurities.

Guilt and Fear

Last but not least, I feel guilty.  Guilty within myself because I feel I let him down.  I know how bad he want's a wife and child.  Guilty that I could not be the wife he wanted me to be.  I am not talking because of my transgender experience.  He constantly pointed out that I would be a bad mother to our child because of my flaws.  Anyone that knows me, knows I love children.  I would love to have children one day of my own but I fear that I am getting to old for them.  I am also afraid that all men have the same issues he has.  I guess I fear the unknown which keeps me from embracing the unknown.

One thing I know for sure though is there are support groups where I can work on setting boundaries so I may love without loosing myself.  The great thing about my job is since it is recovery based, I can find them and have knowledge of them.  Just sitting here typing this blog entry I see the need to work on myself and gain the self confidence, love, and strength I once had and with the help of tools, be able to set boundaries.  Do I love him?  Yes.  Do I love myself?  Not like I did.  I am full of self doubt.

I had a coworker tell me just yesterday that I changed her life when she met me.  I don't see how because I don't see myself like I did.  If that is not a wakeup call to me then nothing is. 

It is so easy to loose yourself in a relationship and I am learning through every relationship, to take your time at getting to know the other person.  This way you can learn how to love them without loosing the love for yourself.  I am seeing the value of friendship first.  Me being the type of person I am, I want to be loved so bad that I will just about do anything for that person I am dating to love me and this I found to be called codependency issues.  I know it is ok to want that love but again I have to remind myself that before I can love anyone else, I need to love myself.

For my readers that are single.  If you haven't gotten to the point where you can love yourself and make yourself happy, please do so.  If you are in a relationship, make sure that you have not lost your love for yourself, and for those that are in an unhealthy relationship...Stay strong and remember, you are more important than anyone ever knows and you deserve the best in life and in a relationship.

I hurt and may not can see an end to the pain but I have faith that there is an end to it.  I don't know what the future holds when it comes to relationships.  I just know that right now, I need to focus on my relationship with myself no matter what feelings it may bring up for me.  Until next time....Stay Safe and Be Blessed

Validation - Self Healing Part One

A few days ago, I felt the need to do a post because my relationship just ended.  It talked about the lessons I learned from the relationship and got you the readers caught up with everything going on in my life.  Now I will be doing a self healing segment because as with any breakup, there are a mixture of motions that I am feeling from hurt, betrayal, relief, stupid, strong and so on.  This is just a few of the feelings because to be honest, I am not sure of all the feelings I have.  I am processing as I write and these are just the ones that I have acknowledge.

One thing I know for sure is I swore I would not let a man make me feel this way after my last relationship ended in 2010.  I worked hard on myself and learned to love myself.  I developed self confidence, strength, and self value.  Then I met the one I just ended the relationship with.  At first things where great in the relationship and I liked the fact that he took me to movies, on dates, and was not afraid to be seen with me in public.  He was the first guy to have done that.  Not even my ex-husband did that.  I excepted him for who he was and knew of his mental issues.  I just didn't realize to what extreme they where until one minute he was sweet and lovable and the next minute, he was mean and cruel.

Now I never spoke about the bad things going on in my relationships but feel the need to do so here because like I said before, I need to process everything and it is so this blog entry makes sense.  I don't think he was taking his medicine like he should because it was his manic moods when he was mean and when he talked negative to me and tore me down.  There was a lot of hurtful things said and instead of leaving I stayed with him because I loved him.  But then things started becoming clear.  I was no longer the woman I became over the years.  I was full of self doubt, I was not focusing on me and somewhere down the line I lost the love I had for myself.  Why else would I allow someone to talk nasty to me?  Then it dawned on me.

Validation

A lot of woman who are transgender feel the need to be validated.  I know I did and after thinking back to this relationship, I guess I still do.  For some, having the surgery and getting their breast did is validation.  For others, having a man, may be validation.  Especially if the man treats them like the woman they are in public.  For me, I guess it was having a man to make me feel special and treat me like a woman in public.  We don't really think about how the guy may treat us behind closed doors.  So as a result, there may be abuse on all levels.  I can't speak for anyone else but I did my best to overlook the problems until it got to the point I was depressed all the time.  It got so bad at one point that I contemplated suicide to get out of the relationship.  I hadn't thought about that since before my transition.  I still ask my higher power for forgiveness for me even thinking about it.

I want to live.  I know there is a purpose for me and I am grateful for the relationship being over and me getting the opportunity to get back to where I use to be.  Start working on me again, gain the confidence I once had and to remember that I am a strong woman.  I have had a lot of obstacles to clear to get to where I am today.  I want to help my brothers and sisters of transgender experience and make a difference in the world.  I want to one day write a book about my life to inspire others if anything.  Yes, I have a lot of dreams just like anyone else.  Above all, I need to learn that I don't need anyone or anything to validate me but myself.  After all I am a Deva.

To all my readers young and old, transgender experienced or not.  Let's get to the point where we can validate ourselves.  This is my challenge to you.  Let's get to the point where we realize. I am (your name) and having a relationship/surgery/big breast is a want and not a need because I AM WHO I AM and no one can tell me different.  I  am not pretending and I don't need anyone on this earths approval.  I just need their respect.  Be who you are and not what society says we are.

Until next time...Stay Safe and Be Blessed

Lessons in Life

It has been awhile since I last posted on here.  So much has happened and I need this post more then ever so I am going to start what I call a new season for a new year.  I can't make any promises that I will be regular with these posts this year but I will do my best.

Within the last year, I have had blessings and trials.  Some of my blessings came in the form of a job, and a relationship.  I have learned a few things from my friends who I got closer to over the year and my co-workers.  Believe it or not, I learned somethings from the Peers that I work with.

Brick Walls

One of the most valuable lessons I have learned was that when you hit a brick wall, it is best to face it and tear it down, brick by brick.  When you run from it, try to avoid it, or ignore it, the wall just comes right back at you at a different time.

Reflection

For me this happened in my relationship.  Before the relationship, I seen my dreams coming true.  I got into a relationship that was great and I loved the dating aspect of it.  However as time went on, things started to change.  My boyfriend would break up with me, just for me to take him back the next day.

Within the last week, however I had to do a huge evaluation on the relationship because I started going through a depression.  I started asking my self, am I happy in this relationship?  Am I still the same person I was when I went into the relationship?  Do I see my dreams still and am I moving towards those dreams?  The hardest question for me to ask was is this a healthy relationship or am I continuing in it because I am codependent?

Tonight, my boyfriend ended it.  Grabbed his things and left.  I realized at that moment that I was no longer heart broken because now after the reflection, I can focus on what I need to for me to grow and move forward in life.

He came back later and said a lot of good things I guess in hopes of getting back with me but I told him that I had to focus on me now and I can't keep going back with him every time he breaks up with me.  One thing I know is that is not healthy.  So after a couple of hours of him coming up with a plan to take care of him and calling his family, he realized that I was staying strong and standing my ground.

Don't say things you can't take back

This was another hard lesson for me because I am sure him and I both said some hurtful things that can not be taken back.  Not to mention all the times I was accused of cheating when that is not something I do.  It ruins to many relationships though, accusing someone all the time and not trusting them does too.

So now is the time for me to start working on a game plan for myself.  One thing is for sure, I need to stay strong this time and don't give in after a week.  It is important for me to be balanced both mentally, physically, and spiritually.  It is also important that I start doing things toward my 5 year goal or dreams and address my codependency issues.

I am a good person and a strong woman.  I am not going to let this relationship or lack of tear me down.  And to all my readers, if you are in a relationship that doesn't work out, I am learning not to beat yourself up about it.  Sometimes you need to take the life lessons learned and use that to move forward.  Before you can love anyone and do for anyone, you need to love and do for yourself.

Until next time....Be Safe and Be Blessed