Trust

When you love someone, you trust them.  This is especially true with any relationship, be it friendship, love, family, and business.  Once that is broken, then it is hard to gain that trust again.  In this last relationship, I trusted my ex.  Unfortunately, I trusted him more then he trusted me.  He kept comparing me to those in his past relationships and as a result he pushed me away.

I trusted him until we broke up.  I think that was when the trust ended because he had a temper tantrum and threatened for me to lose everything I worked hard to achieve.  Even though I didn't trust him, I tried to be his friend but when that didn't work out because he didn't want a friendship, he had that same temper tantrum.  Now, once more he is wanting to talk to me and I have to admit, after two times of trying to have him in my life and it failing, the trust is beyond repair.

I always ask, what is a relationship without trust?  In my eyes, it is an unhealthy relationship.  So, since I have been working on a relationship with myself, I have to look inwards and think about things like do I trust myself?  I know that I trust my higher power, I trust nature, I trust my co-workers, I trust my friends and family, and I trust my doctors.  I guess the answer to my question is, I do trust myself more then I did a few years ago to an extent.

I am realizing though that it is becoming hard to let new people into my life because now I have trust issues.  I think I have had them for sometime because I always felt, I was let down when I trusted someone in the past.  When I was growing up I trusted that if I told someone the truth about me being transgendered, I would be ridiculed or worse.  I was even afraid I would lose the love of my family.  When I trusted boyfriends, they always left me for someone else, stole from me, abused me, and even used me.  I even had someone I considered my best friend in New York City, who I entered a domestic partnership with, almost make me lose an apartment that we worked on getting so we would not be homeless any longer.

When I started the relationship with my ex, he told me things about him and gave me the option to be with him or not.  When I enter into a relationship I trust with all my heart and sometimes I share to much about me with them.  My ex had a way of using that against me when he got mad at me.

So I guess I have viewed and still sometimes view trust as a negative thing.  I know without a doubt that I need to work on my trust issues as well as my other issues because trust should be a positive thing not something that is associated with negative actions.  Without trust, there are no relationships.  At least that is what a part of me is telling myself. 

I am sure, I am not the only one that has a problem with trust.  Perhaps that is why many people keep others at a distance.  Is this healthy?  Probably not because if you keep people at a distance, you have a lonely existence.  At least that has been what I have experienced when I kept people at a distance.  I am learning now to set boundaries and give people a chance to earn my trust and if for some reason trust does not come, I back away and out of their life.

With these blog entries I speak from my heart and while typing the blog entries, I try to process things as well as figure things out.  I am realizing that with this subject, I am having more difficulty understanding trust.  And because of this, I for once can't think of a way to end this blog.  Perhaps I will do another blog entry or two on this in the next few weeks.  And for you my dear readers, I ask you to leave me a comment on your thoughts about trust.

Until next time....Be Safe and Be Blessed.