I know this is a weird title for a blog entry but I did a lot of thinking while I was there the last two days, not to mention that I accomplished something. I will discuss that later though. Since the breakup I have gotten through the heart break however, ever so often I start thinking about my ex and I end up being sad for a few days and then after telling myself I did the right thing by ending the relationship, I start feeling better.I noticed though that I was starting to get back into my old habits of staying at home when I wasn't going to work. I still went to my doctors appointments and to get my nails done but that was about it. I even started feeling that I was lonely and had to also remind myself that I am suppose to be working on myself.
Since this weekend was a three day weekend I decided to do something different then I normally do and that was to go out and hang out away from my apartment and away from downtown. There is a lot I want to do such as get a new wardrobe and give myself a makeover. I see how I want to dress and now that I have the image in my head I need to making it happen.
Yesterday and today however, I set out to accomplish a different goal. I am not one to like hanging out by myself. I had a friend of mine today ask me how I could go to the beach by myself. The answer is simple. I said that I want to learn to have a relationship with myself and yesterday was the start for me.
Yesterday, I went to Venice Beach. I had a lot of fun watching the waves, the surfers, the people playing in the water and at the drum circle that I attended after I got tired of sitting at he beach. I connected with nature and my higher power by meditating and calling the elements to thank them for being present. At the drum circle, I listened to the guys beat on the drums and dance and the next thing I know, I was sitting on the beach and dancing myself. My mood was even better than when I first got to the beach and when I left, I was satisfied. I didn't even think about the fact that I was on the beach alone.
Today I went to the Santa Monica Pier. I walked around, took pictures, ate on the board walk and then I decided to just walk. I ended up back at Venice Beach but that was alright. I enjoyed myself today as well even though I didn't actually go on the beach. I didn't mind that I went by myself however, I do admit, for a brief second, I felt sad because I didn't have anyone to laugh or talk to while I was there. It didn't last long because I had a realization. Just because I wasn't talking to anyone or laughing with friends or anything like that, I was there among crowds of people and I was being seen.
I am not saying that because I feel all the world is suppose to give me attention. Being of transgender experience, I felt it important for my presence to be among them. I had many people look at me, some in a positive way and some in a negative way but that didn't bother me. I was there showing them that I am just as much of a lady as any other woman there and I don't need anyone to validate me except the love for myself.
It is so easy for those of transgender of experience to feel the need to be accepted as much as validated. I use to be that way and that was one of the reasons I turned to drugs and prostitution. Now that I am older, I don't need to do those things to have people like me. I was told all my life to lead by example, and that is what I did today. The sad thing about being accepted is we need to first accept ourselves and who we are. If not, then how can anyone else accept you.
When you grow up a child starts learning who they are. When someone that is of transgender experience they have to do that all over again because they didn't really get that chance to when they were younger because they were to busy trying to keep their secrets. It seems the older I get, the more important it is for me to know myself, love myself, and accept myself. I thought I did that before but my foundation wasn't that strong and one relationship later, I am having to relearn who I am and so forth.
To you my dear readers, especially those of transgender experience, my challenge for you is to go out by yourself to a beach or even a park. Clear your mind of the negative thoughts and see where your mind leads you. Until next time....Be Safe and Be Blessed
