Change

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

― Lao Tzu

Today and for the past week I have been thinking about how when one starts truly focusing on the things they need to, they start changing.  I guess you might can say this could even be a sign of growth.  One thing I am starting to know for sure is there is nothing wrong with change and we should not fear it.

Even Lao Tzu, an ancient Chinese philosopher, talks about change and how we need to let it flow naturally forward.  This actually got me thinking, is change something we can control?  If not, then why do we try? 

For instance, we get in a relationship sometimes with someone that has a lot of baggage and we say, "I can change him or her."  Then when a few months or years go by, and they are still the same, we say that a person will not change unless he or she wants to.  After reading Lao Tzu's quote, I can't help but wonder if the reason why that person has not changed is because it is not there time and they have not set it in motion.

Over the last few months I have been learning who I am.  I am learning my likes and dislikes.  I am even learning what I will and will not tolerate.  At the same time, I am working on all aspects in my life.  I call it a healing process because since I moved out of my mom's at 18 years old, I had to find out who I was and when I did, I would get into relationships and lose sight of my dreams, and goals.  Oh I knew I was a female, I researched a lot before transitioning.  I just didn't know my worth.

When I moved to New York, I was at my rock bottom and I knew that in order for me to be a successful woman I could not continue to use drugs because if I did, I would end up in jail or worse.  So, I got off the drugs, started the transition, and did a soul search.  I was doing good but I would always get in relationships and lose focus on me.

So here I am in Los Angeles.  Focusing on myself and as I mentioned, working on all areas of my life.  This is even including my credit and being responsible.  I see myself growing and changing each and every day.  People may not like the change that has came over me because I no longer act the way they think I should.  I control my own life. It is my choice not to resist change because I am aware that I set it in motion.  I did this because I wanted to meet myself and watch the little girl in me grow into a beautiful woman. 

So as I close this entry, I encourage all my readers not to fear or resist change when it comes your way.

Until next time, be safe and be blessed.

Thoughts On Growth

"The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials."

Are you facing some of the biggest hurdles that you have ever had to face in your life right now Do you feel as though the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and do you wish that this would just all go away? Don't! These huge hurdles are in front of you to prevent you from receiving your biggest victories.

When we go through mountainous trials and tribulations, we do so because we are very close to achieving something great. Sometimes doors are closed before you so that you are forced to stretch out of your comfort zone, and challenge yourself to reach new heights that you would not have otherwise reached for.

Your trials are there to perfect you, and to shape and polish you. If you never endure any friction then you will never reach far enough to grab the true potential you have inside of you.

As you can see by now, I felt the need for a post.  I am sure I have needed to for a while, however, I was not in the right mindset to do so.  Since my last few posts, things have been falling into place.  I got a job, got back on hormones, and I even moved out of the program I was in.

Not only have I done that, I got to remember who I was and got to really know myself including my likes and dislikes.  I have also started seeing my career path develop.  Not to mention I am working on weeding out the negative in my life and surround myself and see the positive in everyday life.

As I set back and reflect on these things I realize that I would not have gotten to this point if I hadn't been homeless, addicted to drugs when I was younger, or had to face the discrimination from others.  This is when I looked for this quote from an unknown author and the commentary after words.  I world change the word "man"to "men and women" if it was up to me though.

Because I went through my mountainous trials and tribulations, I can be thankful of the little things I see day to day.  A lady feeding the pigeons for instance, or a woman walking around in an area where a large portion of the homeless population hang out, with a basket to hand out food.

Because of these trials and tribulations, I can honestly say I have grown and I know that I want to give back to the communities that have helped me grow and learn.  I pray I don't ever forget where I came from because your past does make you who you are.  Even if you don't realize it.  It has made me a strong woman and for that I am thankful.

Until next time be blessed and safe.  Remember when things seem dark, find something to be thankful for.  Even if it seems small.

Still I Rise Part Two

     Last week I posted a poem that meant a lot to me.  After reading it, I have realized that it has made me grow because it caused me to reflect and even reflect on things that are happening in my life here in LA.  In the past I have always talked about people hating me for being me and I also talked about me having paparazzi.  To this day I still deal with this if not worse.
     In order for me to continue with this entry I guess I need to explain that I am homeless and I find that there are many that like to down women of transgender experience.  Perhaps this is why I like the poem and I feel I can relate.  I can sit here and make excuses for why people feel the need to tear each other down especially those like me, however I have to admit I will not do that.  All I can do is show them that when it is all said and done, they can't hurt me with the words that come out their mouth because thru their words and hatred I will rise.  I refuse to stay in the same situation for years like some.  I refuse to stay stuck as many do that are homeless in this city and any other because I am afraid to grow.  In fact I push myself to grow. 
     I see many people do on a daily basis but hang around and do nothing for themselves.  I also see those that are so caught up in the drugs that they do nothing but chase the high.  I have to be careful with wanting to feel sorry for them and thinking they are wasting their life.  I can't do that because I have been there.  I use to go to clubs every night and use coke.  You see I am an addict that has not used in eleven years.  My drug of choice was coke.  For many years I used on a daily basis.  Even though I still have urges on occasion, and when I do I take myself to a cocaine anonymous meeting, I can honestly say... Still I Rise.
    One thing I am doing here in Los Angeles is working on myself.  I could get into relationships because so many want to be with me, I know there are many things I want to do for me to be complete and even though a relationship would be nice, I would not feel complete.  I learned with my ex husband that when you rush in a relationship you do not know enough about each other and it is easy to lose focus.  One thing I am working on its getting a place to call my own and get a job so I can enjoy pampering myself on occasion.  I want to be able to say,  I have been through a lot...Still I rise.
     Even though I do this, I will always stay humble and would love to help others if I can.  If anything, I hope this entry will encourage everyone, not just those of transgender experence realize there is always going to be someone that will make you relate to the poem from my previos post.  Remember the poem and when they finish talking there trash, say to yourself these three words...Still I Rise.
Until next time, stay safe and be blessed.

Still I Rise Part One

You may write down in history
With you bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll Rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Browed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakness by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Dighin' in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eye,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
Ast the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise

Into a daybreak that's wonderously clear
I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave

I am the dream and the hopes of the slave.

I rise.

I rise.

I rise.

¤By Maya Angelou

Note: 
I just copied this poem as it was.  All grammar errors are from the author.  Stay tuned for part two which is my thoughts on this poem.

Finding a place called home

     There comes a time in each of our lives when we have to figure out where we belong.  This usually comes after we figure out who we are.  Some figure out that they belong where they grew up, while others find home to be another state or country.
     While I learned a mostly about who I am, it wasn't until I came to Los Angeles that I felt this is where I belong.  As of now, I belong to two women programs and not only am I treated as the woman I am but also given the respect.  These two programs have given me the confidence needed to get a job and place.
     Let me not jump to far ahead.  I feel I need to go back to what led me to the decision to move here and what has been going on in my life until now.
     After I left NYC, I moved to Texas and realized it didn't feel like home anymore.  So, after things didn't work out with my job , I decided to move with a friend and help take care of his mom.  We moved around a bit and because my friendship with my friend became fragile and in order to save the friendship, I had to move out. 
     This left me homeless in Atlanta.
While being homeless I learned even more about myself and learned to love myself again which is something I lost after leaving NYC.I also realized that no matter what when it is said and done, family will always be there even when friends become distant.  This is one thing we where taught but you don't realise how true it is until you move around as much as I have.
     I was not happy in Atlanta, GA and so I decided to move.  I chose LA because I have a cousin here and I heard they had many resouces for those of transgender experience.  I have to say that I have seen a lot the short time I have been here.  Some good and some bad.  There are a lot of resources here for what ever your goals are.  I havr to places that have gave me the confidence needed to go after my dreams.  LA I can say, is truly my home.