I have heard that the hardest person to forgive is not others that have done you wrong but yourself. That is something I find to be very true. As I set here working on this blog entry I think about what others mean when they say that. I like most people have a tendency of blaming others and not looking at my part in the picture when I am upset with someone. I am not saying that we are at fought for the actions of others. In fact, no one has the right to hurt us, bully us, make fun of us, or abuse us.
For me, I am looking at me. I am no longer looking at my ex's part in the relationship. I am now looking at my part of the relationship that I just ended and how I played a part in it. That does not mean I am a bad person. But looking back I see I gave my power away, my confidence, to much of my love. Until a few days ago, I fought with the feelings I had. I knew what my gut was telling me but I was listing to my heart, mind and trying to find people to tell me everything was going to be ok. After much meditating the last few days, and a cleansing bath, I realized something on the bus ride to my cousin. I gave my ex the power to confuse me, to make me afraid, to make me angry. All I needed to do for things to start being ok is to take back my power. So a few days ago, I posted on facebook an affirmation or at least my take on what one is and yes, I took back my power.
I am not saying that there is not a higher power. For that fact alone, we should all believe in what feels right to us. For me, that means that my higher power gave me strength and power to think for myself, to learn lessons, and to control what others do to me mentally. In Recovery International which is a self help support group, I have learned that we can't control our outer environment but only our inner environment. We can only do that with our power or the power given to us.
Realizing that I gave my ex my so much of my power that he appeared stronger then me made me more mad at myself then him. Yes, I am angry but now I got to wonder how much of that anger is at him and how much of that anger is at myself. A few weeks before the breakup I got a therapist. I went to her the other day and she said something that made a lot of sense now that I think about it. "Forgive yourself and turn the rest of that anger into a positive action and use it to move forward." So here I am thinking about that statement and putting down my thoughts.
Since I took back my power, I do feel stronger, have more confidence, and more courage. I am sure if I keep working on myself, the self love will come back. I just need to learn to forgive myself and that is my problem right now. I wanted love so bad that logic went out the window. They say, you can't love anyone else until you love yourself. I believe that but just like with any relationship when it comes to a relationship with yourself, you need to trust and believe in yourself. This is something I am working on. It is easy to listen to advise from others but what about listening to your inner voice, your gut, your inner being? It will not stir you wrong.
I have been doing a lot of listing lately. It told me way before this last time we broke up that it was time to get out of the relationship but I didn't listen. Now it tells me that no matter what, going back is not an option. The more I listen the easier it is becoming for me to forgive myself and take what I did to myself as a lesson learned. I am learning to trust myself and as a result, my positive traits are coming back. I know I have just restarted this journey of self healing but it is getting easier to travel. Next time I reach a fork in the road, I will listen to my inner self and see what she tells me.
I think we all could take from this lesson and if you do get something out of this my dear readers, then I am glad. If we all take back our power, then we might not get as upset with people or what have you. Listen to your inner voice what ever you may call it. It could be your inner voice, the voice of God, your inner adult. What ever you call this voice inside you listen to it. Your inner voice is not going to tell you to hurt yourself, or others but protect you and nurture you. Learn to trust yourself and your spiritual path. Most of all though learn to Forgive yourself when you don't feel you are living up to your full potential. Just keep working on it and don't give up or give others your power.
Until next time...Stay Safe and Be Blessed.
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