I know that the last part of the self healing was about validation. However, as I continue with working on myself I have to acknowledge the feelings that I am having right now. I have recognized that part of the reason I was in the relationship even after it became unhealthy for me because I felt it validated me as a woman. Of course I loved him and still do but deep down inside I know we both need to work on ourselves. I have so many feelings going on right now that I have to set and recognize them because at this moment, I feel the pain will not end.
I have been going through many different emotions since the breakup. Some of these feelings consist of anger, betrayal, hurt, guilt, confusion and even fear. I am sure there are other feelings that I am having but these are what I have identified so far and so I will look at these first. Perhaps at a later time, I will do another blog entry where I look at more feelings that arises.
Hurt and Confusion
I am going to start with hurt because I keep coming back to it as well as confusion. I keep asking myself why. Why couldn't he love me for who I was instead of pointing out my faults? Why did he have to say such hurtful things, especially when it caused me to realize I need to work on myself? Why does he feel the need to talk to me even though at this moment I don't want to talk to him? Why does he apologize in some of his texts for hurting me and then send another text saying we can't keep hurting each other and he is going to continue working on himself?
I know he is hurting as much as I am. I told him however, after the breakup this time, that I can't get back with him because I needed to focus on myself. To me, when you are in a relationship and love someone you support each other in obtaining the dreams you have for yourself. You love them for who they are and not listen to what others have to say or feel the need to point out each others flaws "so they can fix those." Also you don't limit each other. One thing I have to keep telling myself is as much as I love him, I can't go back with him. What if it starts back where it left off and you both go back to your old ways.
I am also hurting because I really did think he was the one. I guess you can say I am a little disappointed. I feel like a failure when it comes to love and happiness. It seems like when I love, I love to much and I forget about the love for myself. I lose myself to the person I am with and I am not sure how to keep that from happening.
Anger and Betrayed
This brings up anger. I am angry with myself for allowing myself to give him so much of me that I somewhere down the line forgot who I was. I lost the confidence I needed because I had him to take care of me, to protect me, to love me. I lost sight of my dreams, my purpose, and focused all of my energy on his dreams, his purpose even though I am not sure if he knows what that is yet. It took me almost forty years to get a glimpse of what my purpose is.
I am angry with him because of the way he made feel. One minute like I was a queen and the next minute like I didn't even deserve a relationship. I am angry that he didn't have trust in me and always assumed things. I am also angry with the fact that he felt the need to hurt me as much as he is hurting. Not to mention he is not understanding that I am choosing not to go back with him because we have to much baggage to be with each other and I need to clear my baggage away.
I feel betrayed because he was suppose to love me. He was suppose to the one person I could count on not to hurt me. It was suppose to be us against the world. We where suppose to be there for each other. Instead, with just a few words here and there and a few name callings and remarks, I felt like he was no different then the rest of the world, just more dangerous because he had my heart and trust. I just wish I had his trust and all of his heart but of course, we all have insecurities.
Guilt and Fear
Last but not least, I feel guilty. Guilty within myself because I feel I let him down. I know how bad he want's a wife and child. Guilty that I could not be the wife he wanted me to be. I am not talking because of my transgender experience. He constantly pointed out that I would be a bad mother to our child because of my flaws. Anyone that knows me, knows I love children. I would love to have children one day of my own but I fear that I am getting to old for them. I am also afraid that all men have the same issues he has. I guess I fear the unknown which keeps me from embracing the unknown.
One thing I know for sure though is there are support groups where I can work on setting boundaries so I may love without loosing myself. The great thing about my job is since it is recovery based, I can find them and have knowledge of them. Just sitting here typing this blog entry I see the need to work on myself and gain the self confidence, love, and strength I once had and with the help of tools, be able to set boundaries. Do I love him? Yes. Do I love myself? Not like I did. I am full of self doubt.
I had a coworker tell me just yesterday that I changed her life when she met me. I don't see how because I don't see myself like I did. If that is not a wakeup call to me then nothing is.
It is so easy to loose yourself in a relationship and I am learning through every relationship, to take your time at getting to know the other person. This way you can learn how to love them without loosing the love for yourself. I am seeing the value of friendship first. Me being the type of person I am, I want to be loved so bad that I will just about do anything for that person I am dating to love me and this I found to be called codependency issues. I know it is ok to want that love but again I have to remind myself that before I can love anyone else, I need to love myself.
For my readers that are single. If you haven't gotten to the point where you can love yourself and make yourself happy, please do so. If you are in a relationship, make sure that you have not lost your love for yourself, and for those that are in an unhealthy relationship...Stay strong and remember, you are more important than anyone ever knows and you deserve the best in life and in a relationship.
I hurt and may not can see an end to the pain but I have faith that there is an end to it. I don't know what the future holds when it comes to relationships. I just know that right now, I need to focus on my relationship with myself no matter what feelings it may bring up for me. Until next time....Stay Safe and Be Blessed
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