I went all day thinking about how I was going to work on my emotions from last week when I realized that it was not the right topic for this weeks blog entry. After a week of emotions, today I set at home and things started happening for me. I looked at what I was going through last week and I realized I had to go through what I went through so that I may grow and have some realizations and that to me is what needs to be focused on. Especially since I am of transgender experience.
When we hit puberty we must learn to figure out who we are and go through different things to make us see the change. When you are of transgender experience and you start your hormones, you go through puberty again. I always thought I was learning who I was since I started my transition back in 2002 but the fact that I am now seeing is it wasn't until recently that I done so. Call it my second puberty if you will but I have learned somethings over the last week that I needed to learn about myself.
After reflecting on my relationship with my ex, and my friends as well as new friends. I realized that I have subconsciously been letting others define me. Today I shed those shackles so to speak and I feel even more empowered then before. I know that my being a lady in public and not showing off or causing a seen is very important to me. I also know that others watch me and like when society watches others in the transgender community they form an opinion. Without knowing it, my mom raised a lady even though it took me 40 years for it to show.
Over the period of last week though I learned some of my likes and dislikes, I even became even more comfortable with my body as well as confident, where in the past, I had issues with certain parts of my body. I learned that I can wear clothes that I never thought I would wear. I finally look in the mirror and see that woman I am without seeking the approval of others, especially those in my family and circle of friends. I learned that I should not be ashamed in me liking to look good, me having friends, or even the type of friends that I hang around.
People say that we are influenced by our friends. Couldn't it sometimes be the other way around as well. I do know that I have the power and if I give it to others, they can influence me but if I keep being who I am and showing my good nature, and heart and showing I don't have to always be into something to have fun. Just hanging out with friends at a park getting a sun tan and talking can be just as fun as when I use to drink or do drugs. I know that I don't need those things in my life to have fun because I may have thought I was cool and such but when I see someone under the influence I see myself when I use to and it was not as flattering as I thought I was.
Call me conceited if you must, but I like looking good and developing what I have. Only society says that you are shallow but is it wrong if looking nice gives you the confidence to gout each and every day to face the world? The Goddess Aphrodite has alway been portrayed as beautiful in mythology and she is the Goddess of Love. Of course beauty is not only from the outside but needs to shine from the inside as well.
I have seen women, especially of transgender experiences have all kinds of surgery to be beautiful and to fit into what society says you have to do to be a woman. As soon as they speak, the beauty is replaced by ignorance. To be beautiful and to be a woman to me is someone that does not love and sent out love no matter where she is. To show respect even when those around her does not because she knows who she is and even if people try to judge her and disrespect her, they are actually judging themselves and disrespecting themselves.
I heard this woman of transgender experience yesterday when I was getting a coffee from McDonalds in Hollywood tell her friends after she seen me acknowledged her, "look at him, he is a trick" They all laughed but it didn't faze me just made me said for her because it didn't effect me. I know who I am and that is a beautiful woman who doesn't have to sell drugs or prostitute anymore to make money. I was sadden because she knew this and because she was there selling what ever it was she was selling, I am not judging because I have been there as I have mentioned in past blogs, and seeing me made her feel a certain type away. I know she said what she said to make herself look good and feel better about herself but I wonder if her friends was not secretly admiring me for not letting it effect me. She could have also said that to try to get me to make a scene and show my ass.
I truly believe that women should be "classy in the streets" as I heard it once told to me. This can mean different things to different people. To me it means that I carry myself as I always have and not be anything I am not. It is nobody's business what goes on in my private life and I should in fact keep my private life where it belongs...in private.
Another thing I have learned is to see my self worth. How can I reflect how worthy I am of love, respect, and friendship and send it out in the universe if I do not know it myself. Well last week I realized but didn't know it until I reflected upon it today that I am worthy of these things. I am also empowered because of this knowledge. I can live as I have and how society expects me to be, to act but until I shed those shackles and truly not care what others think, you are free to truly be positive and free and attract all the things you deserve in time.
So my dear readers, it is time for me to come to an end but I want to challenge each and every one of you to shed those shackles, learn through your emotions, and be free as the universe intended you to be. Take from the things that make you emotional and watch how much more positive your way of thinking becomes and how much more empowered you will become. Learn who you are because as I say all the time. I Am Jennifer Rose!!!
Until next time....Stay Safe and Be Blessed.
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